Something I never thought would happen.

The pregnancy test read positive. I was a week late. M was super excited and we both called the little thing growing inside me "sweetpea." I started to bleed off and on here and there. I was told it was normal. I had searing pain in my right hip area. I got a doctors appointment. I was weighed, blood pressure taken, pap smear done, cervical check, and a vaginal ultrasound. The doctor wanted to see me in two weeks. I got blood work done.

I started bleeding steadily and had cramping. I called the dr. My test results had come back. I had a Urinary Tract Infection. I went in for more blood work. My hormone level had dropped. I am miscarrying. I cried. And cried more.

I knew the whole time something was different. I didn't feel pregnant. Not like last time. I didn't want to lose my "sweetpea" I wanted a baby to hold in 9 months.

Then yesterday and today I passed some large tissue clots. I got angry. Why was I losing this child. It wasn't fair. My body betrayed me. The last one was so easy.

I didn't tell people right out. Some knew. Some suspected. I couldn't do it. I felt that something was going to happen. And it did.

But you know the Lord works in some pretty interesting ways. I have been asked to give a talk on the Atonement in Sacrament on Sunday.

I feel loved. Looked after. Alone. Scared. Grateful. Sad. Mad. Blessed. Hurt. All at the same time.

I find it Ironic that on monday after the appointment I told a friend that a part of me wishes to be able to start over from scratch on this one. I think that not really a prayer was answered. But ohhhh how cruel to have that hope of another baby. And to sit here and know it is happening and not be able to stop it or change it.

M said it best last night. Our poor Sweetpea.

I look at it as no big thing in the big picture because lots of women have it happen to them. So in that regards it is nothing.

But on a personal scale it is huge. I was not expecting such a trial in my life. In fact looking back there have been so few trials that I figured my whole life would continue on this seemingly smooth path. And while it really is just a little hill to climb I would rather stay on this side of it where I am still expecting a baby. I would rather not hurt and cry.

So I have joined the ranks of women who have had a miscarriage.

I want to take it back, but I also know that there are millions of reasons why it happened. And I am really ok with the knowledge that this was supposed to happen. But I am still allowed to grieve and sorrow for what could have been.

I had even started getting ready. I had pulled all my maternity clothes out. I was nesting. I was having pregnancy brain. I had started burning dinner. I didn't feel like cooking. But it was not ment to be.


So to our little Sweetpea I say. Your mommy and daddy where looking forward to you very much. We already loved you. And we will miss you.