Something I never thought would happen.

The pregnancy test read positive. I was a week late. M was super excited and we both called the little thing growing inside me "sweetpea." I started to bleed off and on here and there. I was told it was normal. I had searing pain in my right hip area. I got a doctors appointment. I was weighed, blood pressure taken, pap smear done, cervical check, and a vaginal ultrasound. The doctor wanted to see me in two weeks. I got blood work done.

I started bleeding steadily and had cramping. I called the dr. My test results had come back. I had a Urinary Tract Infection. I went in for more blood work. My hormone level had dropped. I am miscarrying. I cried. And cried more.

I knew the whole time something was different. I didn't feel pregnant. Not like last time. I didn't want to lose my "sweetpea" I wanted a baby to hold in 9 months.

Then yesterday and today I passed some large tissue clots. I got angry. Why was I losing this child. It wasn't fair. My body betrayed me. The last one was so easy.

I didn't tell people right out. Some knew. Some suspected. I couldn't do it. I felt that something was going to happen. And it did.

But you know the Lord works in some pretty interesting ways. I have been asked to give a talk on the Atonement in Sacrament on Sunday.

I feel loved. Looked after. Alone. Scared. Grateful. Sad. Mad. Blessed. Hurt. All at the same time.

I find it Ironic that on monday after the appointment I told a friend that a part of me wishes to be able to start over from scratch on this one. I think that not really a prayer was answered. But ohhhh how cruel to have that hope of another baby. And to sit here and know it is happening and not be able to stop it or change it.

M said it best last night. Our poor Sweetpea.

I look at it as no big thing in the big picture because lots of women have it happen to them. So in that regards it is nothing.

But on a personal scale it is huge. I was not expecting such a trial in my life. In fact looking back there have been so few trials that I figured my whole life would continue on this seemingly smooth path. And while it really is just a little hill to climb I would rather stay on this side of it where I am still expecting a baby. I would rather not hurt and cry.

So I have joined the ranks of women who have had a miscarriage.

I want to take it back, but I also know that there are millions of reasons why it happened. And I am really ok with the knowledge that this was supposed to happen. But I am still allowed to grieve and sorrow for what could have been.

I had even started getting ready. I had pulled all my maternity clothes out. I was nesting. I was having pregnancy brain. I had started burning dinner. I didn't feel like cooking. But it was not ment to be.


So to our little Sweetpea I say. Your mommy and daddy where looking forward to you very much. We already loved you. And we will miss you.

RELAXING SATURDAY

M had Saturday off. We went to Roosevelt Park. V ran in circles and M and I read the men in ND who received medals for bravery in combat. And then the train came by. OH how V's eyes lit up. We walked on. He met a little 3 year old girl. By the time they were done chasing each other and the train (half way around the park) she was calling him "my buddy!" We discovered a water slide and pool area. Which we will be enjoying this summer. And learned that we needed cash to ride the train. Oh well.

M tried to show V the giant bumble bee and we saw a goose by the tracks. We crossed the bridge over the river and watched the water. On the other side of the river we saw a family of geese. A mommy, a daddy, and about 7 or 8 babies. In the water two geese swam over to us because we were sitting on the bank. They came up the bank and got super close. We were right next to their path.

At the play ground there were lots of other kids, but V didn't mind. He is a big kid and can do what they do. A young girl asked M to help her. She kept saying "Excuse me young man can you help me?" We both thought it was a little silly. V hung off the monkey bars all by himself. The sun was hot and I was glad I had brought some nice cold water to drink.

It was such a nice saturday and I am so glad that M didn't have to work so we could all enjoy it.

When we came home I made a quick dinner, V took a bath and then when he went to bed he zonked right out. NOW that is what I call wonderful.

Mothers Day: Better Late Than Never

Mothers Day was such a nice day. Ok except for the rain. I got to talk to my two mothers. I had made a book using Shutterfly.com to send to them on mother's day full of pictures of V. They both enjoyed it very much.

At church V and I were the only ones to go because M's schedule has changed. But I enjoyed the talks that were given. The older girls in primary sang "I often go walking" which is my favorite mothers day song. It made me think of my own mom and how much I miss her. I can honestly say that I really don't think of all the wonderful things I do as a mother. I guess it is because I have just the one little boy. I know that I love him to pieces. Even when I get frustrated with him trying to help with the dishes. But he makes up for it with the random kisses and the constant want for someone to play with him or read him a story.

I am glad that we decided to have him. He has brought such joy into our lives and the happiness that he has in him so sweet.

Right now he likes to have pillow fights in the kitchen. He will bring you a pillow and then start whacking at you he bends down really low, gets this look of concentration on his face and then he swings his arm with all his might. So hard in fact that he usually falls down on the floor because of it.

I have gotten into the habit of fake crying when he is sad, and because he is a little copy catter he does it too. He starts fake crying and climbs up into my lap puts his arms around my neck and pats me on the back. He is just such a joy.

Ok now that I've gotten off topic enough... Back to My MOMs

They are wonderful examples to me and I love them both wonderfully and completely.

I LOVE YOU MOM

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!

Bringing up new things

It is amazing how life sneeks up on you. One minute it is Easter and the next its your birthday. Where did 27 come from? I remember when that was old. Grown ups having babies and families. Oh well.

V has kept us entertained and full of joy and love. Here are few things that he does.

1. Write on himself with a pen.

2. Pull the chair to the sink to put things in it. Anything really.

3. Says Bodie for play-do. And then eats it.

4. He likes to get a set of keys, my purse, and a Bubba Keg and then go outside with it.

5. He takes his wagon for a walk. I am not allowed to touch it. He also has to hold the keys when we check the mail.

6. He likes to get into the drivers seat of the cars. We ran the battery down on the Jetta that way.

7. He tells us no and crosses his arms.

8. He thinks that horses are cows.

With M's job they just changed his schedule. He now gets to work sundays and have saturdays off. I want him to find a new job. Or get one on base. Dang it. We are still looking for places to buy and/or rent. We need smaller payments.

I have been put into a new calling. I am the Nursery Leader! AAAAHHHHH oh and the best part is we currently have 19 kids in there. And only two of them are going to be going into Primary in January as of this moment. And we have like three coming in by the end of the year. Oh no wait I mean we have 20 kids. We just got 2 new kids because they moved into the ward. So yeah that is challenging.

And that is what is new with us up here in North Dakota!!!!

Easter Fun and other stuff.

Ok So Easter isn't until tomorrow, but we have had some easter fun already. Today the Zoo held an easter egg hunt. We waited in line and got excited about the geese we could see. We paid our two dollars and roamed the Zoo while we waited for our turn to hunt eggs in V's age group. So where did we go first? Up the stairs into the gift shop where they had turtles, snakes, frogs, lizards and fish. V had a great time. We saw deer and camels, giraffes and wart hogs. There where tigers and lions. Leopards and bears. And as we walked the path by the river some geese were at the fence. V wanted to grab them. I knew that if he got close enough they would see if he had anything to feed them. He didn't. We made our way back to hunt eggs and he got so excited. He was so excited he even helped put eggs in other kids baskets. WHAT A HELPER!!!!!!

We saw a worker driving around in a maintenance vehicle and V wanted and thought he should just climb in there and have a ride. We followed it for a while. Because he was walking around on his own and wouldn't let me hold his hand we chased after the cart and tried to get a leg up into it. There was candy and bubbles in the bag of treats you got for turning your eggs back in.

The next step now is to boil some eggs so when V wakes up from his nap we can dye them.


On another note: We have been cleaning up our yard. Yes the weather has been awsome. But a problem we run into is keeping V from running away. So M came up with the idea to tie him to the wagon. Well it took V all of about 3 seconds to figure out that he can go where he wants by pulling the wagon. He is strong enough to do it to.

V is just like Daddy. Last night he was trying to figure out to get to something he wanted. (Daddy's foot cream in a jar type thing) So he blows on like Daddy does when he's working on something, to clean it. Then he takes the screw driver and just keeps on wiggling it around in there until he breaks through and gets the cream on the screw driver. He tastes it and realizes that it doesn't taste very good. So he decides that maybe if he tries it again it will taste better. No dice kid.

Well I'm off to boil those eggs. Now should I boil 6, 8, or 12? How many boiled eggs do we want eat. I know M likes deviled eggs but I don't.

All About V!!!!!

V thinks he is growing up. In the past week he has been showing that he is a big boy who is very smart and not at all forgetful.

Starting with Sunday: As soon as Sacrament Meeting was over he grabbed ahold of my hand and ran to Nursery. When we got to the door he let go of my hand and walked right over to the table of play-do. He only needed me to get through the crowds of big people. When did he grow up?

Ok so while we were in Utah V discovered a three wheeler that was just his size. We couldn't take it with us because it didn't fit on the plane and it wasn't ours. But ever since we got home he has been trying ride his dump truck and his race car garage like a bike. So we tried to show him the remote control car and he threw a fit when we put it away. Yesterday we went shopping for his own bike. The one we found is still a little bit too big. But he didn't care. He kept trying to take it off the shelf. Unfortunately he can't sit on the seat and touch the ground at the same time. But we know what to get for his birthday.

On Monday V was playing in the dirty sink water, making a mess. I told him that after I change his diaper I would put some water in the tub so he could play in that. I got his diaper and became distracted. I had given the diaper to him. He came to me where I was distracted and grabbed my hand leading me to the couch. I change his diaper and he then leads me to the bathroom. The whole way there saying "Tubby" I love that that is his word for tub.

This morning he woke up and was acting grumpy. M figured out that he was hungry. He would lead you to the fridge saying bapple. We didn't have any apples so he settled for carrots.

Oh and M brought home an innertube just V's size. He loves that thing. Right now he has it around his ankles and is trying to walk around like that.

When I changed his diaper this morning I told V to bring me a pair of pants and a shirt so he could get dressed. He brought me a shirt and pair of pajama bottoms. But they were a shirt and pants. Like I said when he did he get so smart and grown up?

Way too Long.

Sheesh I can't believe that it has been a little over a month since the computer went kaput. I was bad and hadn't added anything in a long while.

So our room mate moved out at the beginning of Febuary, and we decided that instead of jumping around renting places we would try to buy. We talked to a realtor, we talked to a mortgage loan officer, we looked at a house. And the results are that we have to build up our credit. So we are waiting on that before we know what our price range is. It is a long proccess.

Shortly after we started that our computer received the blue screen of death where windows wont open. Oh and because our room mate took his nice big screen tv we had nothing to watch. We lasted about 2 that way and then decided that we needed a tv so that we could at least watch movies. It is amazing how fast you come to depend on choice when it is gone. We only have so many movies to choose from.

Then on top of that the insurance rates through M's job went up so they take more out of his paycheck, we where late on two bills (which made the amount go up), and there fore had to dip into our tax return money.

But we decided that we should spend the money on a computer so that we would have access to job hunt on it. Because lets face it: $10.75 an hour with only 35 hours a week just doesn't add up when you have $750 a month for rent. In addition gas, electric, and phone bills. Gas for the car, groceries, milk, and other expenses that come up. We need a change.

My family was kind enough to pay the way for V and I to fly over to Utah for a few days. It was great to see them. My oldest niece was baptized and it was great. We went and saw the new Alice In Wonderland and had Olive Garden.

The plane trip back was horrendous. We had a 4 hour lay over in Denver and then the out going flight was at 9:30 pm. We arrived in Bismarck at midnight. Then had a 1 1/2 hour car drive home. I can honestly say that today we are finally all recuperated from the trip.

M was great. While we were gone he cleaned the house, did laundry, cleaned the rain gutters, cleared out the stuff under the porch, got his car running, and reorganized the bedroom. He is good to me and V.

While in Utah my mom and sister where kind enough to treat me to a little shopping trip. I got new shoes, a skirt and shirt, a pair of pants, and a few regular shirts. I felt spoiled. I miss my family and am amazed at the love and kindness they show to me.

V learned new things from his cousins. He learned:
That you can pretend to be puppies and lick people's hands.
How to say Grandpa i.e. bampa.
Stairs are best done with grandpa.
Rough boys are scary and mom is his best friend because she will always save her.
Zhu Zhu pets are cool.

When we got home his little outdoor slide was inside and he has to go up the slide and down the steps. This is best achieved holding on to someone's hand.

Adolf went crazy while we were gone. He lets V torment him more than usual. He cries if he doesn't have some one to snuggle on. He has to get right up in your face. And he has to sleep in the bed with us. NOT!!!!!!!!

I think the cutest thing was Monday morning when V was holding Adolf around the neck and Adolf was just purring away. Every so often he would lift his face to V's cheek and rub his nose on it. Basically saying that he was glad he was home.

The snow is starting to melt and the temps have been warmer. Yay!!!!!!!!!

It is great to be back on here. I will continue with the updates.