Friday, May 28, 2010

Something I never thought would happen.

The pregnancy test read positive. I was a week late. M was super excited and we both called the little thing growing inside me "sweetpea." I started to bleed off and on here and there. I was told it was normal. I had searing pain in my right hip area. I got a doctors appointment. I was weighed, blood pressure taken, pap smear done, cervical check, and a vaginal ultrasound. The doctor wanted to see me in two weeks. I got blood work done.

I started bleeding steadily and had cramping. I called the dr. My test results had come back. I had a Urinary Tract Infection. I went in for more blood work. My hormone level had dropped. I am miscarrying. I cried. And cried more.

I knew the whole time something was different. I didn't feel pregnant. Not like last time. I didn't want to lose my "sweetpea" I wanted a baby to hold in 9 months.

Then yesterday and today I passed some large tissue clots. I got angry. Why was I losing this child. It wasn't fair. My body betrayed me. The last one was so easy.

I didn't tell people right out. Some knew. Some suspected. I couldn't do it. I felt that something was going to happen. And it did.

But you know the Lord works in some pretty interesting ways. I have been asked to give a talk on the Atonement in Sacrament on Sunday.

I feel loved. Looked after. Alone. Scared. Grateful. Sad. Mad. Blessed. Hurt. All at the same time.

I find it Ironic that on monday after the appointment I told a friend that a part of me wishes to be able to start over from scratch on this one. I think that not really a prayer was answered. But ohhhh how cruel to have that hope of another baby. And to sit here and know it is happening and not be able to stop it or change it.

M said it best last night. Our poor Sweetpea.

I look at it as no big thing in the big picture because lots of women have it happen to them. So in that regards it is nothing.

But on a personal scale it is huge. I was not expecting such a trial in my life. In fact looking back there have been so few trials that I figured my whole life would continue on this seemingly smooth path. And while it really is just a little hill to climb I would rather stay on this side of it where I am still expecting a baby. I would rather not hurt and cry.

So I have joined the ranks of women who have had a miscarriage.

I want to take it back, but I also know that there are millions of reasons why it happened. And I am really ok with the knowledge that this was supposed to happen. But I am still allowed to grieve and sorrow for what could have been.

I had even started getting ready. I had pulled all my maternity clothes out. I was nesting. I was having pregnancy brain. I had started burning dinner. I didn't feel like cooking. But it was not ment to be.


So to our little Sweetpea I say. Your mommy and daddy where looking forward to you very much. We already loved you. And we will miss you.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

RELAXING SATURDAY

M had Saturday off. We went to Roosevelt Park. V ran in circles and M and I read the men in ND who received medals for bravery in combat. And then the train came by. OH how V's eyes lit up. We walked on. He met a little 3 year old girl. By the time they were done chasing each other and the train (half way around the park) she was calling him "my buddy!" We discovered a water slide and pool area. Which we will be enjoying this summer. And learned that we needed cash to ride the train. Oh well.

M tried to show V the giant bumble bee and we saw a goose by the tracks. We crossed the bridge over the river and watched the water. On the other side of the river we saw a family of geese. A mommy, a daddy, and about 7 or 8 babies. In the water two geese swam over to us because we were sitting on the bank. They came up the bank and got super close. We were right next to their path.

At the play ground there were lots of other kids, but V didn't mind. He is a big kid and can do what they do. A young girl asked M to help her. She kept saying "Excuse me young man can you help me?" We both thought it was a little silly. V hung off the monkey bars all by himself. The sun was hot and I was glad I had brought some nice cold water to drink.

It was such a nice saturday and I am so glad that M didn't have to work so we could all enjoy it.

When we came home I made a quick dinner, V took a bath and then when he went to bed he zonked right out. NOW that is what I call wonderful.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mothers Day: Better Late Than Never

Mothers Day was such a nice day. Ok except for the rain. I got to talk to my two mothers. I had made a book using Shutterfly.com to send to them on mother's day full of pictures of V. They both enjoyed it very much.

At church V and I were the only ones to go because M's schedule has changed. But I enjoyed the talks that were given. The older girls in primary sang "I often go walking" which is my favorite mothers day song. It made me think of my own mom and how much I miss her. I can honestly say that I really don't think of all the wonderful things I do as a mother. I guess it is because I have just the one little boy. I know that I love him to pieces. Even when I get frustrated with him trying to help with the dishes. But he makes up for it with the random kisses and the constant want for someone to play with him or read him a story.

I am glad that we decided to have him. He has brought such joy into our lives and the happiness that he has in him so sweet.

Right now he likes to have pillow fights in the kitchen. He will bring you a pillow and then start whacking at you he bends down really low, gets this look of concentration on his face and then he swings his arm with all his might. So hard in fact that he usually falls down on the floor because of it.

I have gotten into the habit of fake crying when he is sad, and because he is a little copy catter he does it too. He starts fake crying and climbs up into my lap puts his arms around my neck and pats me on the back. He is just such a joy.

Ok now that I've gotten off topic enough... Back to My MOMs

They are wonderful examples to me and I love them both wonderfully and completely.

I LOVE YOU MOM

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!